i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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