the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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