You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
