I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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