why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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