i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize