when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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