I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
