just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
