I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
