my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
