last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
