just tell him i said nine months
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
