It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
