Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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