We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
