Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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