Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
