This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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