My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
