I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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