There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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