I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
