he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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