The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
