new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
