I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
