1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
