you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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