I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
