I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize