When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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