youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
