While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
