She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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