i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
