he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
