making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize