I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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