Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
