so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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