We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
