while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
