Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
