What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
