I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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