Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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