That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
