Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
