M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
