my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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