So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
