It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
