I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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