Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
