i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
