what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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