You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
