Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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