Sponge bath it is.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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