i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
