That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
