I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
