i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
