I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
