take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
